When I held my first-born breathing baby in my arms, it was a miracle.
She breathed a long 40 minutes of life here and was then gently folded into the arms of Jesus.
With empty arms, I had nothing to do. Nothing could make my empty arms feel full again and waiting for another miracle seemed like eternity.
No words could fill this space of waiting. But, this moment was a miracle forever etched on my life.
Eternity. The only thing I think about now. Every morning I wake up thinking about how deep and wide and full of miracles that I missed will be waiting there.
I know I have missed so many moments. So many miracles over the last five years, when it seems that I had so much to do and so many places that my heart and time and energy were divided between.
And now, here I am with nothing to do. It is a miracle. And it found me.
It is what we do with our waiting that makes the miracle.
When we stop seeing the miracles around us, God will make them bigger than life for us to take notice.
Bigger than my life could handle. Larger than my breath could take and wider than my arms could reach.
So many dear and precious friends have been praying for me. Everyone prays for rest, strength and healing. Your words have meant the world to me and I know I am so loved.
But, it is more that just “not being busy.” It is more than me resting and more than taking a break.
It is a complete miracle that I am still alive. I stood on a stage at the end of five year ministry to women spanning the generations, and gave my last Key-note for this season. I knew that it was a miracle that I could stand there. Every single word that left my mouth was by His strength. I never in my life, have been so close to collapsing at the feet of Jesus.
I was living outside of my own skin the day I stepped down off of that Key-Note Platform. A platform I am learning cannot be tied to my regret of investment.
I went home that weekend and cried for three weeks straight. The tears never ended. I had vivid dreams of my loved ones. I lost my appetite for food and for life. Like walking through a clouded room, I was praying I could find my footing again. And soon. I couldn’t understand what was happening. How in the world could I explain this to my family and friends, if I barely understood myself.
I realized I was in a fight for healing and rest. Rather than just hoping and waiting for my body and spirit to catch up with time, I was going to fight with His armor and put it on every day. Slowly and surely. Isn’t this what I have been telling others for so many years?
The builder and I decided we would fight this battle together and not share with our family and friends. Because, really, how can you explain this?
Someone told me that I must have been hiding it really well.
What is “it?”
It. The miracle of life that you cannot explain. The overwhelming sense of being used, used up and used for Christ.
It. The very thing you cannot define is happening to you. When you think you have lost you ever-loving mind, your health, your marriage, your friends, your time and it all seems like a forever ago.
I had lost it. Completely and utterly lost it.
It. My own life was farther away than I could feel was within reach.
I cried so many tears of grief over what I felt I had lost over five years.
Time I missed. Investment I missed. Marriage moments, connections, health and the list was so pile high on my regret list that I couldn’t find my way out from under it.
There are so many words I cannot express to you here my friends. Other than, I am counting whole days and waiting on the other days.
It is a gift to be shown HOW to heal the heart. How to heal and mend the pieces of my life that felt out of reach.
While my physical body is part of the healing, it is the breath in my heart and lungs for life that I am waiting for each day.
I cannot live in regret, or the miracles God was doing for those five years will be lost on me. Then for what?
It will take so much time to find September again. I know He is doing a new thing. A beautiful new thing.
I am taking all the time in the world to breathe in deep His Word…every day the miracle and gifts He has set before me. And in this, I will not lose sight of this transformation He is doing.
I know it is barely an explanation of my journey right now. I can never take the busy out of my life. I have an abundant, big life, and I wouldn’t trade any of these beautiful people for any thing. So, what does busy have to do with change?
I have a choice to breathe eternity into my life every day and into those that have been placed in my life.
The miracle is in the gift of waiting. No regrets.
A life cannot be healed until the mind has been transformed. He is making me new. And even if it is hard and gut-wrenching, it is necessary. Because it is what I do with my miracle of life in the waiting of Eternity that matters.