I was stuck. The movements had been erased from my memory and my heels were planted so deeply into the mud, that I couldn’t budge. Even if I wanted to.
And I didn’t. That’s the problem. I didn’t want to talk, walk or listen. Any more. I was stalling…and it was going to take the voice of God to move me.
I had become frozen with anxiety and broken down into places of seclusion and afraid of where my YES would take me next.
Why wouldn’t I fear the glory of God? The magnitude that He has shown me in ALL of His glory and works in my life. He has shown up over and over. And this time, I just wanted to plant my feet into the dirt and not move … again.
If saying YES was going to take me to my knees with illness and pain, and I would watch my family wait so patiently for the mama to return her full attention to them, then perhaps this was not the plan. I mean, shouldn’t a YES be something that moves into the next thing that God wanted for the work He began?
Landing in a hospital bed following a whirlwind of walking in the path that took me FAR out of my comfort zone and across the country to share His great and mighty work was not the plan that I had in mind. I know. It is not about me. But it had quickly become about me. How could I move back into the very love of my life – being a wife and raising a family. With my whole heart, but from my bed, or the couch, or wherever my illness would take me?
See, here’s the thing. I just wanted to walk in His ways. Follow His lead and let Him get the glory. But, when that meant I was weak and losing my hold on the time I wanted with my children, letting my husband continue to pick up the lead where I wanted to re-land, then I was miffed. Miffed that I had put out my time, energy and life for His service and then I am stuck. Deeply stuck in a pit of illness and fear of what might happen again if I said YES.
I am happiest when home. Resting and just being with my family. Long walks, reading together, baking in the kitchen, and getting our hands dirty together in the soil are my sweet spots. As long as we are together. Can I walk in humble service to the King while I am doing those very things? Can’t raising generations at home and on the front-line’s for Christ be enough? Yes, September, yes.
This man I married – He has a strong hold on my heart and knows exactly what I need, especially when I do not. He gently speaks truth into my life when I believe lies. I do this a lot. Perhaps you didn’t know that about me? Honestly, I didn’t know that either. Until this year. When I am asked to do hard things, and even harder things. And then I began to believe lies. Doubt.
But, “Mr. I Love You,” made me fly to Texas to visit with some friends and the Holy Spirit. Yes, He knew that the ONLY way I would ever stop and hear the TRUTH was when I alone and surrounded by the one thing that I feared the most after a very large PUBLIC presence this year. Being around people. I began to close myself in. Hiding from speaking opportunities, not answering emails and declining any thing remotely close to saying YES. I was ill, weak and just wanted to hibernate. And I did.
Healing looks different for everyone. I guess it was time for me to fly like a bird and slowly surround myself with the encourgers that God directly placed into my life. On purpose.
The Spirit hovered over me and whispered truth for this time. Two words continually pressed in on my heart so heavy that I had to say them out loud.
But Lord, I am so weak.
My health is frail. I have a large family. They come first. They do Lord. You asked me to walk in this first. Didn’t you? More? Really?
…..One foot in front of another is the only way to trust. No questions, or doubt can assail you when your feet are moving.
My heart is following and my mind will never keep up. I am shaking the mud off of my feet at every step. Boy, it gets thick when you plant yourself in the muck of fear and hide from His will.
God didn’t ask me to move the mountains of illness while He works in and through me. He is not asking me to do more than I can or should handle.
Surrounding myself with the truth will loose the doubt free. And God so lovingly place concerned, loving friends into my life that want the best for me, my health and my family. And of course, I want the same thing.
But obedience is wild. And freedom only come when we keep walking.
I am going to take the next step. The fear and the hiding, the tears and the heavy steps? Well, I will be shaking them at every corner.
Choosing to not be stagnant is the first step back in the right direction.
What’s your Wild Obedience story?