Happy… and Miserable

Ever feel this way? That you are living a happy life, but you are just a plain miserable at the moment.
This is me right now.
Not normal for me… at all. But, I have fallen into a pit of martyrdom. Man- it’s ugly.

I have not been able to blog for some time. Life brought a few twists and turns that took me away from my computer.

Our 16 year old daughter, Sarah had gall bladder surgery on Thursday. It has turned into a bigger deal than we thought it would. Her liver was cut during surgery, causing extra bleeding, and now more complications- result- a longer hospital stay, a lot of pain for our tough daughter, and a long commute for a busy family of 11.

What have I brought out of this trail so far- I am ugly inside – through and through right now. I am not seeing any thing thru my Rose- colored glasses.

Ugliness through trials is not nice. It is selfish, and I can see that it is the easy way out for my emotions of sadness, frustration, concern, and exhaustion.

We have been through trials before. Many. I have seen and been with others as they deal with their own pain.
So, where did this ugliness come from, I ask myself? Hmmmm…
Here’s what I have finally come to tonight-

*A lack of truly laying this at the altar of the Lord-Holding onto the attempt to micro-manage the outcome of my daughters relief

*A lack of seeing this trial thru the eye’s of one who has been shown much mercy and grace, but rather, through eyes of selfishness and desire to have this trail removed

*Worry and anxiety over my daughters condition and pain, rather than showing my daughter the trust that we have taught her since she was a wee child

Man- these things are bound to produce ugliness, and yep- it has manifested itself in my life this week.

It is my prayer that sharing this personal side of my life through another trial, that any one reading would know that God does not want us to be miserable. I was this week, and will have to work at seeing this as another opportunity for me to grow in Christ.

For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Death to self- the best cure for any ugliness through our trials.
So hard.

Please pray.
Here is a picture of our Sarah.
Please, please pray for her as she sits in a hospital waiting for answers. We all wait.

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14 Comments

  • Reply
    Jenilee
    September 5, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    praying for your family. and, thankfully, we serve a God who really does understand the ugliness. I will pray with you as you give it to Him and let Him do something beautiful.

  • Reply
    Drahdrah
    September 5, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    You are not alone in your struggle. Thank you for such an honest post that shed some light on my own situation. My prayers go out to both you and your daughter during this difficult time.

  • Reply
    Kate
    September 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    I am praying for your daughter! You are not alone, I am pretty ugly right now myself! I am praying for you too!!

  • Reply
    Kari
    September 5, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Definitely will hold your daughter up in prayer. I think we've all been there, but not so sure we all allowed God to show us why we were there. Life is great – but something isn't right and you can't put your finger on it. Just as you said, it surrounds us focusing on us and our ability to do it all.
    Thank you for the post. Helped me today in some areas…

  • Reply
    Linda
    September 5, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    Oh September I have missed you so much. I am sorry that you have been going through so much,…and that your sweet daughter is facing this great trial at such a young age.

    I had my gallbladder our about 18 years ago and it was supposed to take a couple of hours at the very most,…but it took 6 hours.

    I was so sore and so miserable when I woke up, and they said my gallbladder was diseased and hard and it was up inside my liver and they had a hard time shaving it away from my liver. And I had stones that were stuck and hard to remove etc. etc. I had problems afterwards too. But "I lived to tell about it",…as my mama always used to say! ha!

    I hope that your daughter will heal soon and be able to go home,…and I will pray for her.

    And I am gonna pray for you too sweetie. We all get "ugly" from time to time,…But the Lord's loveliness, and His great mercy and forgiveness is so much bigger than all of our sins. Things will be better soon,..I am sure of it.

    Hold on to Him and let Him love you like a daddy.

    Love you,
    LKinda @ Truthful Tidbits

  • Reply
    Linda
    September 5, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    I meant to sign it Linda @ Truthful Tidbits,…I don't know who LKinda is,…ha!

  • Reply
    April
    September 6, 2009 at 8:09 am

    Oh September, I am sorry for this trial that has brought forth such misery for you. I know that seeing your child in pain and discomfort would not sit well with any parent. It would be easier for you to not show much "ugliness" if this were YOU in the hospital bed. But as a mother, we are designed to care and nuture as we do.

    I think showing your strength and unwavering belief in front of your daughter is important, and yet so hard to do. I will pray for her situation to get better and I will pray for your steadfast heart.

  • Reply
    Kami
    September 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

    It's amazing that you are so wonderfully willing to be transparent about your struggles. I can completely relate and I want to encourage you not to consume yourself with your own "ugliness". Know that when we are weak, God is strong. "Come to Me all who are burdened and I will give you rest". Take time for yourself to rest in the loving arms of our Father and know that He is truly in control of this situation. My prayers go out for your daughter and they will continue. Please keep us updated as you can 🙂

    Praying for you and yours …

  • Reply
    Aspiemom
    September 6, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Poor Sarah! Do they think there will be long-term problems because of the damage to the liver? Did they explain how it happened?

    I can imagine the little arrows shot by Satan that you are dodging right now. I hope that you can keep God's peace and love and faith reigning in you during this ordeal.

    I'll be praying for Sarah – such a pretty girl!

  • Reply
    Marni's Organized Mess
    September 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    You and yours are in my prayers. 🙁

  • Reply
    Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace
    September 7, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Praying for you and your beautiful daughter, dear friend…I'm sorry to say, I've been a little ugly myself lately, at times. I'm so grateful that God's grace covers us…and that His beauty shines forth, even through our "ugliness". He will carry you, dear friend…

    Love and Prayers,
    Kelly

  • Reply
    Lynnette Kraft
    September 7, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Oh sweet friend – what a trial you've been through! Was Sarah's gallbladder worse off than they realized? Did they cut her liver because of complications or an error? Is she doing better now? Maybe that will be the end to all of her health issues – wouldn't that be wonderful!!!?

    Being on vacation for the past week – I wasn't reading blogs and didn't realize what was going on – although I did know that you were facing some health issues, I didn't know at what level.

    I'll be praying that Sarah heals quickly and feels tons better. Let me know okay. Did you ever try the liver cleanse? If so, did it relieve her at all – or make things worse? Did you end up in the emergency room with her or go to the doctor and decide to do the surgery? Questions…questions… I'm so very interested in how it all happened.

    Oh, I'll be praying – I had a similar experience when our doctor told us that he thought Silas had leukemia (just a few months after Anna died) – I was angry and ugly too. I was bitter and didn't like myself. It's strange but I had more peace after my children died then when they told us that about Silas. God worked on my heart in revealing my fears and helped me to see that in all situations I need to trust him.

    Love you friend.
    Lynnette
    PS Call me sometime when you want to talk.

  • Reply
    Holly
    September 8, 2009 at 5:51 am

    I'm sorry Sarah has to go through all of this. I pray that she heals and there will be no more problems. As far as ugliness, I think we've all had those moments. I know I have!

  • Reply
    Lynnette Kraft
    September 10, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I came over to see if you had an update because I'm thinking about you today. I'm being lazy and instead of going back to my email, I'm leaving you another comment. 🙂 Let me know how Sarah is and how you are – and how Ben is.
    Love you.

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