When All Seems So Wrong

I will not pretend. I get weary.  

There is this common thread we share called Motherhood.  I use to take my cape off and hang it up, thinking that I am not a super mom, but now I am wondering where that cape has fallen to in my closet.

Because, yes… Just like you – I get weary, and that cape would cover up the mess of a mom I might just be some days, but give me the courage that every super hero needs.  Courage to Hope.  Embrace.  Thrive.

There is a raw place in my heart that goes untouched for long periods of time.  Is it a wound that has never been healed, or do we all tuck a safety mechanism within us and push on when life gets busy.

Even when life is aflame with Glory  – and His presence is so near…There are those very rare moments – When All Seems So Wrong.

When I am weak, sick, frail and cannot control any thing.  All seems so wrong – And I re-learn – that ALL is just where it is meant to be.

I will not pretend. I lose my focus.

Giving you a look inside the window of my weekend…sharing motherhood like we should.

When a health condition squeezes the life out of my body, a place that I have to go from time to time, I lay in bed with no strength to rise, smile, sip my water, or even sit up.  My husband has to lift me from my arms, walk me to the closet to find soft pajamas, and bring me water to keep me hydrated.

To know me  – you would never recognize me looking inside this window.  Complete weakness.  Complete humility. When all seems so wrong.

I lay under the covers, feeling the moist fill my eyes again.

My dear husband kneels beside the bed, rubbing the hair away from my eyes.

“I hate that I have to be in this bed.”

I know.”  “God must want you here in this bed, right now, this weekend.”

I am determined the next day to make it worship with the family.

My husband finds me sitting in my closet, so weak, I can barely stand – staring at my clothes.  He gently helps me find a comfortable outfit.  I can barely stand through worship and beg God for a smile and a song for those around me and for His Glory.

The days in bed when I am frail – God brings my children to my side to remind me of WHY I am their mom, and how much love I have for them.

Everything seems so wrong when I am ill.  Weak –  the color of the sky doesn’t seem right, there doesn’t seem to be any thing for me to wear in the closet, are my children getting enough quality time, why did I paint my bedroom this color, and when did all of that laundry pile so high?   What was I thinking to start a blog, when did I gain all of this weight, why am I not feeding my family more healthy meals?   Won’t my children ever stop knocking on my bathroom door, when did the light fixtures get so dusty?  And …. the list… COULD…. go on.

Those moments of poor health for me – bring me closer to God.  Even through my doubting, my complaining, my narrow vision – I am able to come through the struggle with this –

I am His and He is Mine.  His promises are true and His love is never ending.  The thoughts and feelings of mire in motherhood that cause me to second guess everything He has given me – can be cloaked with grace.

Undeserved Grace.

Even when I am a weary mom – and the messes loom before me, and sickness brings my children to serve their momma chocolate covered strawberries in bed, little colored notes of love, hearing the washing machine swishing the mountain of laundry, dishes being washed and dried, checker tournaments on mommys bed to cheer her up.  A husband who knows this physical battle is only HALF the battle for this tired momma.  God is working on me – again.  Always.

checkers in bed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a mom brings all of us to different places of weary.  This is mine.  Where is yours?

Are you able to take the narrow scope of vision that we tunnel ourselves into when all seems so wrong – and turn the scope around?

Allowing His Glory to be the lens?

This morning I woke up with strength.  I pulled the blanket that had been cloaking our big kitchen window to keep out the frigid cold air, leaving a dark space for me to brood each day.  I had my husband remove that blanket, and allow all the sunshine God could filter through that glass into my home and heart today.

A New Lens for Me Today

ballet

Motherhood may be draining you. Can you remove the heavy cloak and call it a good day today?

Remove the lens of weakness, put on your cape of courage and soak in His Grace.

I am here with you.   I do not “do pretend.”

What lens are you looking through today?

 

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4 Comments

  • Reply
    Michelle At Reimagined
    February 11, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    I completely and utterly understand every.single.word you have written. Oh, how i hated the days in bed. they are far and few between now, but when it does come, I choose to be thankful and embrace this time, though it is a struggle each time. Hugs to you, dear sister!! Have you gotten my emails? No pressure, just wondered. Please, don’t feel the need to respond, keep your priorities right! I can wait, just wondered.
    Only by His Grace,
    Michelle, from She Looketh Well

  • Reply
    Christy Fitzwater
    February 12, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Oh wow -being a mom is so hard on the days when you feel great. I can’t imagine fatigue and illness to that. Thank you for sharing your story! It is beautiful to hear someone say that the difficult place is right where God intends us to be in that moment. So good.

  • Reply
    Katrina Phillippi
    February 12, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    September…it is so humbling to see your words, written so raw with heart, exposed for us mothers to read and empathize with. Thank you for this Godly reminder to remove the lens of weakness during our times that everything appears to be going so “wrong”….when in God’s reality it is actually so “right”! Your words are an encouragement, and I feel blessed that God allowed us to meet!!

  • Reply
    Angela Squires
    March 6, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Hi, September! I haven’t visited in a while, so I wanted to let you know that I stopped by this morning! Your blog looks awesome. I’m so glad I read this post at the beginning of my day. I will put on the cape of strength and courage and call it a good day! Thanks for the encouragement, Sister.

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