Almost all of my God moments – are when I am fumbling and floundering. It is not a pretty sight. In many ways.
I have been parenting for 21 years, and I am so far from getting it right. But, this month has taught me something I have never quite discovered in motherhood before. Maybe because I was not open to it? My husband tells me I am too hard on myself.
But either way – I found such HOPE in my fumbling and floundering, in all of its ugliness – that I am sharing this right smack dab in the middle of a magnanimous book bundle sale. Rather counter-productive from a marketing strategy ( if I had one), but the matters of the heart mean so much more!
It gets rather confusing when you train, teach and invest into the heart of each of your children, and you in turn feel like a highway – traffic running over you hour by hour. Isn’t there a return of investment around the corner?
Of course, I don’t love on my children FOR the investment – but when you are in a conflict in training with your child, and the tone, the words, and the resistance to listening are present – you begin to wonder – “What did I do wrong?”
This month I have been in quite the state of “loss,” as a parent. Looking around my home and my family – wondering what is going on that is stirring the pot of conflict lately? My husband and I have had lengthy discussions, and prayed over character issues with our children. I am kneeling at the foot of the cross – waiting on the peace He can give me.
And then it falls – like a sweet, soft rain on my shoulders this weekend. I woke up to knowing it will be all right. The conflict may still be present. My child may still be in their groove of growing up, and I may still be “misunderstood.”
I can only do so much. They have to let God tend their hearts. This was the job that I was so eagerly wanting to take from Him. Planting the seeds of honor, respect, responsibility, and love deeper into them. Tilling the soil of understanding, working out their faith, and handling conflict.
This is God’s territory now. I have been faithful. I am still learning – but the burden of change that I was hoping to see soon – it is not mine. I had to let it go. And, ohhhh…. Did this hurt. It was hard, it hurt and I am afraid.
But who needs God if they have a substitute teacher.
The fumbling and floundering – trying to figure out what I missed, why a child would “act” like this, or tripping over my own feet to be a better parent. It just needed to look different. I was a tearful, questioning, hurt mom. It is an ugly place.
Perhaps you have a child ( children) that are “giving you a run for your money?” You just are at your wit’s end, and feel completely at a loss – and maybe like myself, like a bad parent. The “guilt trip” per say.
It is just time to re-evaluate what steps you are taking to handle the conflict and not the child. Matters of the heart are tender, and need nurturing. Not controlling.
For me – all that messiness of trying to buffer the circumstances from a childs choices – was taken for me when I realized that this is how they will learn. It is my prayer.
The wounds of a child to a parent can be confusing.
I tend to have the thoughts – that I am being too hard on them, or I must be unreasonable ( and yes, this is often true). But, guess what moms? Wounds will happen. Even in the heart of a home where all seems to “working well.” We need to remain open to learning, change and repentance ourselves… but, there is always more room for God to do the work when we step out-of-the-way. Remember, the workings of the heart are hidden and manifest themselves in conflict.
I’m on a new path now. I call it joy.