I was not brave that day. Actually, I was being brave, but I surely did not “feel” it. Going through the motions is more like it.
I suppose you have been in a situation like this before? Where you know what you have to do, but your heart and mind are about ten steps behind? It is scary. Hard. And I have walked brave before. But this ranked up in the top three non-courageous moments in my life.
Which is quite ironic, considering I have been following woman walking brave for weeks, months now, and I even wrote this post to share their stories with you. We never know what a day will bring. Or a tomorrow. And that is why I put on my brave face, but my insides were quaking.
Ignoring a slow decline of my health was like watching my profile in the mirror disappear. I have described it this way to my close friends. While washing my face, I would barely recognize the exhausted, dark-circles under my eyes. When I would shower and have to sit down from the fatigue, or walk the loft steps to the school room, and find myself winded from the 12 steps, it never registered that something might be wrong. I never thought twice about each and every thing that should have been alarming.
I can tell you the moment it all began. I will even tell you what has happened since that day. And the day that my veins were coursing with someone else’s blood to keep me alive.
But before this, I just have to say a few important things that you may not know about me. And whether this helps you understand what has happened or not, I am ok with that.
I am a visionary. I am also a realist. Two things that may not always go hand in hand. When God shows me very clearly that He wants me to do something, I commit this to prayer. Much, much prayer. Almost and always wondering why God would have me do something that seems so ‘unrealistic,” for this behind the scenes mama of ten.
And then I walk in obedience.
Perhaps you didn’t know that I suffered from severe burn-out and fatigue almost 8 years ago? The lessons I learned as I listened and read God’s Word changed my life forever. My health today, is not burn-out.
God has called me to motherhood and MORE.
He has called me to see the hurting, the lost, the un-seen in their own pain and to reach them for Christ. To minister to them. To let them know that their healing has already been Attoned for, and that there are living disciples of Christ here on this earth to carry their burden and help them lay it down.
I believe that life does not need to be heavy, nor hidden. I have been given a light to shine, and I will strive to shine this wherever He leads me.
And the enemy hates this.
My health is more important than doing. But, I know that motherhood is more about “being.” And so, God surely has allowed me to mother even more this month when I am not doing.
I see God more when I am still. Yes? I seek Him. He doesn’t have to come find me, and I hear Him more clearly.
He restoreth my soul. My cup runneth over.
So, to know me well, it would be to truly understand that I see my life as a mission for Him. In my mothering, my serving, my resting, and my surrendering.
I have fought the enemy with a two-edged sword this month. The Sword of the Spirit and my armor is dented and worn.
I am an empathetic person, and the struggles and burdens of others, break my heart, always reminding me what God has brought me through, and the need to share THE Hope with those who cannot always see it.
And last, I know although there may be a diagnosis and man-made reasons given to me for my weakness, this is nothing to Christ. He has been holding me in His hands from the moment I fell weak from my own strength. I am focusing on what I know to be true, and not what others may think.
I will uphold His promises that when I am weak HE is strong.
So, the enemy moves in on this front. For when we say YES, we should be prepared to be Strong in the Lord and of good courage.
It is really not about me doing TOO much, but, rather WHAT I do.
More on this journey, the valley and restoring my soul – soon.
Resting in Him. Long, deep breath in. How’s that going for you?